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Natasja's ongoing humiliation.


"But no, you were all cute about it, deflected it away and made a little joke out of it. Flirty, sure, but not pushy or sleazy. And I thought... this could actually be a nice guy. And yeah, I could've totally been wrong. You could've been some serial killer or bondage freak who'd wrap me up in chains and whip me. But I saw your smile, and it made me feel safe. Safe, in a way I hadn't known I needed to feel.

"So I waited until you were looking away for a second, and I reached into my purse to where I had a syringe full of the haymana ready, and I injected myself right there, just stuck it through my purse and right into my leg while you made chit-chat with me.

"And the rest, as they say, is history."

"Wait, you injected yourself - with more? Weren't you already on it?"

"I was just going by what Arman had told me, and by what I was feeling. I could tell I was already... compromised, I guess you could call it. And I was dead sure the stuff was still in my system, but I thought... if half had already gone to making me Arman's, I didn't want to an even split between him and someone else. I wanted away from him, for good. So I figured if I put a dose and a half, or whatever quantity, and threw myself at someone else whole hog..."

"... then you'd be too devoted to your new guy to want to go back to the old."

She nodded. "And lucky for me, the new guy was you. The sweetest, most thoughtful and loving man I've ever known."

I pulled my hands away from hers. "That's just the chemical making you think that."

She shook her head. "I've had plenty of time to observe how it works, trust me. It doesn't make me love you. It doesn't even make me like you. It just over-powers my other instincts when it comes to making you happy. If you beat the hell out of me, I'd hate you for it, but the drug would still make me want to allow you to do it."

"So then tell me this - if this haymana stuff is so potent that you'd stand there and be some guy's pi__ata, then how come it let you lie to me and refuse to tell me about it in the first place?"

"Well, three things there. For one, it definitely wasn't easy. When I know you want something, you have no idea how good it makes me feel to give it to you, and how bad I feel when mess up. Like all the light in my soul just gets snuffed out in an instant.

"For two, the drug makes me want to please you, not necessarily obey you. Now it happens that the two are one and the same 99% of the time, but this was one of the exceptions. Obviously telling you this would upset you. I know what I am, and what I've done. I sold people out who trusted me, I helped a bad man do bad things just because it gave me some shitty high.

"I can see it's upsetting you now, and it's killing me. Not literally," she added quickly, "but I know you hate hearing all this. Only with what Erika told me you were thinking, the truth had to be better than that."

I wasn't nearly so sure this was the case. "What's the third thing?"

Something flashed across her face then, and she looked down at the table. "Arman."

I felt myself tensing as she gave voice to the answer I'd most expected and most dreaded. "Go on."

"Between the conditioning and whatever happened with that haymana, there's some part of me that still wants to please him. And I hate it, and I've tried a million times to tell myself it's insane and horrible and illogical and unnatural, to just forget he ever existed... but I can't. It's not a big part - if my feelings for you were the sun, he'd be a half-moon at best. But he's there. And since I didn't want you to know who I really was, what I'd really done, and I knew he wouldn't want you to know either... I used that to give me the strength to tell you no. And I'm so sorry. I wish you never had to hear any of this, that we could've just gone on as we were and been happy."

"So, you wish you could've just kept lying to me."


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